Looking back Benn, do you think you could have done it differently? Could you have gotten the company to where it is without the cost to you or your family? I know it's a counterfactual, but curious what your gut/heart says.
I do. It was always going to take a ton of time, and you'll always get pulled away from things. But I think there are two things I did wrong:
- You can carve out more time than you think. Work fills the space you give it; if you give it X hours, you'll take X hours doing whatever you need to do. If you give it 80% of that, you don't cut what you get done by 20%, but probably 5%, by focusing more, prioritizing better, etc. But it takes some courage to say no to things and draw those boundaries, and I didn't have it.
- I didn't turn it off when I wasn't working. If I was spending time with people, I was distracted and half thinking about other stuff all the time. That didn't help me at all; I didn't get anything done because I was thinking about it. It just made me irritable, stressed, and unavailable. It's hard to just shut that off, but the people who can seem much more able to find a better balance.
Your first point really resonates with me. As someone doing the whole startup thing, but kicking it off in my mid-30s with 2 kids, I'm basically forced to have more focus and better prioritization. But there's always that part of you that wonders if you're not doing enough, especially compared to other founders who don't have the same responsibilities. So I *have* to believe that I can compete and be just as effective even when working 20% less because there's a part of my life I'm not willing to sacrifice (namely time with my family).
Similarly, your second point feels familiar because pre-kids I was kind of the same way. But now that I'm a Dad I'm able to have these little humans pull me back to them all the time and help me gain perspective on everything.
Thanks for the answer and thanks for giving another positive data point for what I hope is a better way of doing this startup thing :)
I don’t have kids, but from talking with people who do, it seems like they’re sort of proof of what’s possible when you actually give yourself hard boundaries and the sort. It always seems like “I make time for my parents” is a kind of soft line that people don’t want to cross but often do; when they have kids, that line becomes much firmer (which makes sense, because kid’s lives literally depend on it). But, it seems to suggest that people without kids could certainly do the same thing for other things, if they had the courage and will to do it.
Yeah, it's definitely a societal thing that needs improving. "I make time for the ones I care for" needs to be enough for most people. Whether that's kids, parents, siblings, friends, pets, or whoever else in your life fits the bill.
Thanks Nick, I appreciate that - whatever the final story is in all of this, we'll be proud to have some part in writing it. (And really good seeing you this week.)
This is, hands down, my favorite of all the posts you've written (second favorite was the one about the guy in the window seat who wouldn't open his shade). Congratulations, Benn!
Congrats, Benn. I’m touched by this unexpected heartfelt letter and can’t help but feel a certain camaraderie reading about your experience. I’ve lived far away from my parents and trying to build a career and life of my own for a while now. All too many times, calls were not made or taken, too many family gathering unattended, and I live a life they don’t necessary understand but still support to the best of their abilities. I can tell that they love you, and that’s what matters. Now that you’ve got more time you can make it up to them. Regardless, you did it!
This post couldn’t have reached my inbox at a better timing. I appear to be at a crossroads between my family and how my entire life pans out. There’s this weight in my throat and it’s making me feel older than the 25 I just turned. Thanks for being so vulnerable. Appreciate you, Benn!
Looking back Benn, do you think you could have done it differently? Could you have gotten the company to where it is without the cost to you or your family? I know it's a counterfactual, but curious what your gut/heart says.
I do. It was always going to take a ton of time, and you'll always get pulled away from things. But I think there are two things I did wrong:
- You can carve out more time than you think. Work fills the space you give it; if you give it X hours, you'll take X hours doing whatever you need to do. If you give it 80% of that, you don't cut what you get done by 20%, but probably 5%, by focusing more, prioritizing better, etc. But it takes some courage to say no to things and draw those boundaries, and I didn't have it.
- I didn't turn it off when I wasn't working. If I was spending time with people, I was distracted and half thinking about other stuff all the time. That didn't help me at all; I didn't get anything done because I was thinking about it. It just made me irritable, stressed, and unavailable. It's hard to just shut that off, but the people who can seem much more able to find a better balance.
Appreciate the reply.
Your first point really resonates with me. As someone doing the whole startup thing, but kicking it off in my mid-30s with 2 kids, I'm basically forced to have more focus and better prioritization. But there's always that part of you that wonders if you're not doing enough, especially compared to other founders who don't have the same responsibilities. So I *have* to believe that I can compete and be just as effective even when working 20% less because there's a part of my life I'm not willing to sacrifice (namely time with my family).
Similarly, your second point feels familiar because pre-kids I was kind of the same way. But now that I'm a Dad I'm able to have these little humans pull me back to them all the time and help me gain perspective on everything.
Thanks for the answer and thanks for giving another positive data point for what I hope is a better way of doing this startup thing :)
I don’t have kids, but from talking with people who do, it seems like they’re sort of proof of what’s possible when you actually give yourself hard boundaries and the sort. It always seems like “I make time for my parents” is a kind of soft line that people don’t want to cross but often do; when they have kids, that line becomes much firmer (which makes sense, because kid’s lives literally depend on it). But, it seems to suggest that people without kids could certainly do the same thing for other things, if they had the courage and will to do it.
Yeah, it's definitely a societal thing that needs improving. "I make time for the ones I care for" needs to be enough for most people. Whether that's kids, parents, siblings, friends, pets, or whoever else in your life fits the bill.
Benn this post made me cry. Not ashamed to admit it one bit.
Congratulations and thank you for building one of the founding companies in modern data.
Thanks Nick, I appreciate that - whatever the final story is in all of this, we'll be proud to have some part in writing it. (And really good seeing you this week.)
And here I was, thinking that I'd reached the daily tear limit after watching the latest episode of Ana de Nadie. Congratulations, Benn
I loved everything about this
This made me tear up. Beautifully written. Going to appreciate the time I spend with my parents a little extra today 🖤
This is, hands down, my favorite of all the posts you've written (second favorite was the one about the guy in the window seat who wouldn't open his shade). Congratulations, Benn!
And second most important, behind people needing to open their windows in airplanes.
The best time to plant a tree 🌳 was 10 years ago. The second best time is today. Go spend time with your parents. 🤩
The best time to plant a tree 🌳 was 10 years ago. The second best time is today. Go spend time with your parents. 🤩
Congrats Benn! You're lucky to have such great parents! 🙌
Congrats, Benn!
Congrats, Benn. I’m touched by this unexpected heartfelt letter and can’t help but feel a certain camaraderie reading about your experience. I’ve lived far away from my parents and trying to build a career and life of my own for a while now. All too many times, calls were not made or taken, too many family gathering unattended, and I live a life they don’t necessary understand but still support to the best of their abilities. I can tell that they love you, and that’s what matters. Now that you’ve got more time you can make it up to them. Regardless, you did it!
This post couldn’t have reached my inbox at a better timing. I appear to be at a crossroads between my family and how my entire life pans out. There’s this weight in my throat and it’s making me feel older than the 25 I just turned. Thanks for being so vulnerable. Appreciate you, Benn!
Thanks for the vulnerability Benn. Glad I could be a customer part of that journey.
As someone just beginning their career, I am starting to taste this sense of distance with my father. Thank you for writing this. Course corrected.
Congrats Benn. The piece made me sad and happy but that's life. Please keep writing.
Nice piece of gratitude here.